Family Discipleship Minute 8: We're All In This Together

The thesis of this series of blog posts is that parents are responsible for the spiritual training of their children, and they should not turn that privilege over to anyone else. A concomitant task is to develop a theology of family and of church to guide you as you lead your family to worship at home and at your local assembly. The last post shared a few ideas towards developing a theology of family. This post will continue that quest by focusing on a couple of groups who (it feels to me) sometimes get neglected.

I read as much as I can on the subject of family discipleship as well as listening to similar content on the radio and internet. I get the sense that in their zeal to equip families the leaders in this area may sometimes inadvertently neglect single adults and childless couples. I am certain that none of the authors, preachers, and teachers to whom I listen believe that singles and childless couples are second class citizens or in any way unimportant, they just kind of get lost by the wayside sometimes. Therefore, as you construct your own theology of family, please make room for these categories.

I would like to point out a few notions to help you include these groups in your thinking. The first idea is that singles, far from being second class citizens, have the preferred status before God. Why would I say that? In Matthew 19, Jesus explains to the disciples why divorce is so terrible and the importance of married couples staying together for life. In response to this disclosure, the disciples conclude that it is better for people to remain single (Matthew 19:10.) Jesus replies that some people, for the sake of God’s kingdom, choose to remain single. In other words, some people are called to live as singles in order that they will have more time, energy, and resources to devote to God. Jesus closes the teaching by saying, “Let anyone accept this who can.” (Matthew 19:12)

Obviously, most people should marry and have children for the sake of perpetuating humanity. However, Jesus says that anyone who is capable of living celibately for the sake of God’s mission on earth should do so. God is quite pleased with men and women who live exclusively for Him. In fact, singleness (rather temporary or for a lifetime) should be seen by the single and by the rest of the church as a gift from God.

Couples and singles are bonded together as adopted children of God and there are many ways which the two groups can serve alongside each other and minister to one another. To mention just a couple, marrieds can provide encouragement, emotional support, and companionship to singles by offering them hospitality and genuine friendship. Likewise, singles can offer marrieds encouragement, emotional support, and help with parenting chores by offering hospitality and genuine friendship. We’re all in this together church, it’s time we act like it.

Another group that may sometimes get slighted is childless couples. Obviously, the ancient belief that a woman cannot have children because God is punishing her in some way is false. We should never make couples feel that God is judging them because they do not have children. Further, some couples choose not to have kids for personal reasons. We should not look down on them.

At this point, the objection will come, “but God commands us to have children and fill the earth in Genesis 1:28.” Yes, God did do that. In my opinion, that is God’s plan for most people. It is especially important in today’s culture that Christians have many children and raise them to know and love God so that we can carry on God’s mission in the world. This flows directly from Genesis 1:28 as well as Matthew 28:18-20. However, if a particular couple believes that we have essentially fulfilled Genesis 1:28, and they do not feel that God has given them a desire for offspring, I am not in the camp that would say we should view them as disobedient or unspiritual. We should view them as brothers and sisters in Christ who can be involved in the Great Commission in other ways.

In summary, singles and childless couples are not God’s red-headed stepchildren. They are highly valuable saints who have important roles to play in local churches and the larger kingdom. Parents with biological children, parents with adopted children, blended families, childless couples, singles, and single parents all make up the communities of faith we serve. All of us need to value one another and work together in making disciples around the world, but also in our homes and churches.

Questions to ponder (and answer in the comments):

1.  If you are married, how can you bless the singles in your life?

2.  If you are single, how can you bless the marrieds in your life?

3.  What do you think about Genesis 1:28? Have we filled the earth sufficiently? Are married people who choose not to have children being disobedient? Why or why not?

Family Discipleship Minute 7: Laying a Foundation

 

Quick review. The point of this series is to help you become the primary spiritual leader of your children. To date, the posts have tried to exhort you that, one, you can do this even if you feel you do not have time or are not qualified, two, God will personally empower you for this, three, the Bible commands this, and four, you should have some spiritual objectives for your children. The next two or three articles will aim to help you lay a theological foundation for your journey into family discipleship. If you are brand new to this series, you can go here to get the gist of why I’m sharing this message.

Today’s thoughts. All Christians should work to develop their theology. Get help from your pastor, your church, and others, but do not surrender the task completely to others. Further, working out your theology is not a one-time task; you will spend your life doing it and some aspects of it will change as you grow deeper in your relationship with Christ and your understanding of Scripture. Regarding discipleship in the home and at church, two components of your theology will be especially applicable. One is your theology of family and the second is your theology of church. (To give credit where credit is due, I believe that Voddie Baucham Jr. was the first person I noticed to suggest the importance of having a theology of family. However, I do not remember the book I saw this in, and I do not have any copies of his books to look it up. Sorry.)

Let’s briefly examine some things the Bible teaches about family. Briefly is an understatement. Here I will only hit a couple of highlights. You will do well to delve further into this concept on your own using the Scriptures and  the writings of those much wiser than me.

Big idea one, the family is an institution ordained by God. In fact, it is the first societal institution God set up. Genesis 1:26-28 and Genesis 2:7-8; 18-25 describe this. We can glean a few important sub-points from these texts. First, as already mentioned, this was God’s doing; family is not merely a societal construct. Second, marriage is the union of one man and one woman. Third, woman is the helper and complement to man (2:20). As we learn in the New Testament, man was created first and has headship within the family. This in no way implies that he should be a dictator or slave master. The husband is a servant leader. The fourth idea here is that husband and wife become one flesh; which is an expression of intimacy beyond merely the sexual. This marital unity leads to the next big idea.

Big idea two, I believe the unity indicated here is important in understanding one of the purposes of marriage. One man plus one woman become one flesh in the sight of God, so there are three agents here resulting in a unity. This mirrors the godhead as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are one. God desires marriage to be a temporal reflection of the fellowship He enjoys eternally within the Trinity. A godly marriage is a testimony to the world of who God is.

Big ideas one and two are tied together as well. Marriage is a picture of the unity existent in the Godhead. A part of this picture is the submission of wife to husband because it mirrors Christ’s voluntary submission to the Father. The Son and the Father are equal in being, power, eternality, knowledge, divinity, and wisdom, yet Jesus voluntarily submits to the Father’s headship. Likewise, as a wife voluntarily submits to the husband’s headship, she provides the world with a Christ-like image of God and godliness.

Further, this idea of marriage as a picture for the world is picked back up in the New Testament. Ephesians 5 tells us that the union of man and wife is an image of the union between Christ and His church. Clearly, the idea of a marriage covenant is an important part of communicating to the world what God is like and what the relationship between God and His people is like. (This is one reason that sexual sin is so heinous; it perverts God’s plan for sexuality-sex is to be expressed within marriage only- thereby distorting the reflection we are supposed to see of Him.)

Big idea three, God’s best plan for marriage is that it can only be honorably dissolved by the death of one or both spouses. Matthew 19:1-11 lays this principle out very plainly. The Bible does allow (not require) divorce for a couple of very specific reasons. However, divorce should be rare in the kingdom of God. God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) because it hurts people and because it perverts the portrait of unity found in the Godhead that marriage is supposed to demonstrate.

To summarize so far, marriage is the first societal institution that God ordained, the unity found in marriage pictures the unity found amongst the Trinity and the unity found between Christ and His church, and God’s best plan for marriage is that it is permanent. Those are just a few highlights, but this is already longer than it should be. We’ll pick up here next week. Thanks for your time.

 

Questions to ponder (or discuss in the comments):

1.  Does thinking of your marriage as a picture of the unity God has with Himself challenge you, motivate you, or bother you? How so?

 

2.  Review the three things we’ve said about marriage so far. Would your kids say that they recognize these things in your marriage? Would your church family say that they recognize these things in your marriage?

 

3.  What are some other big ideas you see in Scripture about marriage?

Family Discipleship Minute 6: A Rant

 My plan for this post was to begin discussing the idea of laying a theological foundation for family and for church. That foundation then guides your behavior. That was my plan, but something triggered me last week and I’ve decided to get on my soap box for a minute. Next week’s post will (probably) start examining the basics of a theology of family. Until then, here’s my rant. . .

If you read job descriptions for children’s ministers and youth ministers, as well as the children’s and youth ministry sections of church websites, you will frequently see some version of this phrase, “our kids have fun and still learn about Jesus.” The verbiage is not always identical, but the sentiment almost always conveys the idea that the children (I’m using “children” to refer to school age kids, K-12) in their programs will have fun and simultaneously learn the Bible, learn about God, grow spiritually, and so forth. Now, I’m not anti-fun. I do not think it is wrong to have fun while doing some spiritual things. However, let me translate “our kids have fun and still learn about Jesus” for you.

The leaders of these programs are essentially saying that they realize young people are inundated with entertainment options. Young people have electronic devices, toys, games, bicycles, movies, skate parks, trampoline parks, amusement parks, swimming pools, concerts, bowling alleys, rage rooms, comedy clubs, party barges, sports cars, sporting events, etcetera ad nauseum, and those churches are scared to death that their programs will not be enticing to young people who have so many options at their disposal. Based on that fear, they include a host of gimmicks in their meetings including games, skits, competitions, prizes, free food, and so forth. The thinking is that they can compete with secular entertainment for the attention of young people. Then, when the students are hooked by how fun things at the church are, they can hit them with the truth of Scripture.

That methodology sounds logical and churches in the US have been practicing it, and perfecting it in many ways, for the past few decades. However, in my opinion, this method has several flaws. Flaw number one, it bows down to consumerism in the church. In this paradigm, children’s and youth ministries constantly have to reinvent themselves in an effort to “one up” the church down the street, or the kids will simply move along to wherever the most fun is. Therefore, young people learn that church is about going where they are most entertained which is light years from how we ought to view church.

Flaw number two, this model presents a false idea about what it means to follow Jesus. When children spend year after year in programs that are all about how fun and non-boring their classes and services are, they eventually receive the message that being a disciple of Christ is a self-serving endeavor. Eventually, individuals mature enough to realize that life is not all about having fun. In fact, they realize life is full of very real challenges which they have not been equipped to handle by the church, so they look for solutions elsewhere.

Flaw number three is that it is virtually impossible for 95% of churches to provide the kind of entertainment young people can find elsewhere. Sooner or later, the “fun” aspect of church wears off or gives way to institutions that are actually more fun, and as with flaw two, the person then leaves the church in search of something better.

Flaw number four, in a sense, this method of spiritual training is dishonest; it is a bait and switch. The leaders attempt to lure children to church with the promise of fun, food, free stuff, or other rewards, then eventually get around to the real reason they want kids there which is to expose them to Christianity. We are so accustomed to doing church this way, we don’t even realize the duplicity. I suggest you would not settle for this methodology in any of the other activities you put your kids in. Why should it be okay in the church?

Flaw number five, this is the paradigm that has brought us to where we are as the western evangelical church. We do not do a very good job of making disciples, but those statistics are for another post.

Flaw number six (there are probably other flaws here, but I’ll make this the bottom of my list), it is built upon the notion of an anemic god rather than the almighty God of Scripture. Think about what people adhering to this form of discipleship are really saying. They’re saying, “we know our god cannot compete with all the entertaining things you have access to, so we are going to put some spice in our services to make following him more palatable.” They are saying, “we know you’re not really mature enough to handle big spiritual truths, so we are going to simply entertain you for thirty minutes and then give you a few minutes of Jesus stories.” They are saying, “we know our god cannot really make a difference in what you’re facing in everyday life, so we are going to plan some things that will give you an endorphin rush. Then, we’ll throw in a little Bible study to spiritualize it all.” Is this really a healthy way to present the King of Kings and Lord of Lords? Is Jesus, in and of Himself, not enough? Can we not offer young people a relationship with their Creator and expect Him to be sufficient to capture their attention as He captures their hearts?

Please pay attention friends. I am NOT saying that there is no place for games, skits, object lessons, food, and fun in ministry. These things can be used to build fellowship, to teach lessons, and to meet legitimate physical needs. HOWEVER, when fun becomes a primary objective, consumerism is always the end result, and the ministry will likely fall into one or more of the flaws I’ve outlined. Fun and games do a good job of filling up classrooms, youth rooms, and even entire buildings, but they do a very poor job of making disciples.

What does this have to do with family discipleship? One, if your kids are only getting spiritual milk at church, they better be getting some meat at home. Two, you are responsible for protecting your kids spiritually. If they are growing up in a ministry that puts entertainment ahead of discipleship, you can get involved and help the ministry grow into what it ought to be.

Family Discipleship Minute 5: Can We Just Get On With It?

Welcome and thanks for stopping by. This post is number five in a series of blurbs aimed at helping you be the primary spiritual leader for your children. I've struggled with what to say at this point because I want to help anyone who reads this, but I want to help you see the big picture and not just help you with baby steps. However, baby steps are usually the way to start, so I've been conflicted on whether to write about a baby step or deal with a big picture item.

According to the Blogger statistics, about 7.18 people read this (or at least open it in your browser for a second) and I don't want to lose anyone for lack of practical ideas. The previous posts have attempted to lay some groundwork for this family discipleship stuff and much foundation is left to pour. Why? Because we need to let our theology drive our behavior rather than the other way around. However, some of you may be ready for practical idea, so I will include one pragmatic baby step at the end of this post, but first I want to ask you a favor.

I need to get this message out. If that sounds arrogant to you, please remember that it is not my message. I am simply echoing the voices of people like Voddie Baucham Jr., Mark Holmen, Ron Hunter Jr., Timothy Paul Jones, Rob Rienow, and others. Even Wayne Rice, who was a youth ministry guru during what might have been the most explosive season of growth for student ministry, eventually led a ministry to aid discipleship in the home and now has a ministry equipping grandparents to be involved in discipleship. This is not my message, but the more I read, the more I observe, the more strongly I believe the idea of parents teaching their children to follow Christ must be proclaimed and practiced. The favor I'm asking is, will you help me spread this concept? How? Simply share the link to one of these family discipleship minutes on your social media or in your own blog. If you are really bold, you could email the link to one of these posts to friends who might find it useful.

The next post will return to laying some foundational ideas from Scripture. For now, I'll give you a baby step that you can take. Go to church as a family. You may think you already do that, but if you all go different directions when you walk in the door, are you really going as a family? At this point, I am not suggesting the whole family go to the same Sunday school class. However, when you go to the worship service, go together. Your kids need to see you worship. Yes, it is difficult to wrangle young children. Yes, teenagers want to sit with their friends or the youth group. Don't worry about all that. Be in worship together.

If you have really little ones and you just cannot handle them in worship, utilize the nursery. But as soon as possible, get your children in the service with you. Children are likely to stand and sing with you, especially if you encourage them and model it for them. Also, you can do several things to help them stay still during the message. Bring them a snack, have something for them to color or read, let them take turns sitting on mom's lap and then dad's, etc. When they are old enough, which is probably younger than you think, have them take notes on the sermon (and help them.) Talk to them during the week about the importance of worship and the importance of behaving appropriately during the meeting. Reward them for good behavior in church and punish them for inappropriate behavior. Finally, realize that kids absorb more than you think they do even if they are fidgetting or seem to be doing something else.

If your teenagers don't think it is cool to sit with mom and dad, tough stuff cream puff. You are the parent. I'm not saying you have to be a dictator. Talk to them during the week about the importance of worshipping God as a family. Negotiate with them if you need to, but they need to be in church with you.

Okay, there's your baby step. If you are already doing that, kudos to you! Future posts will have other practical steps you can take. Please help me spread this message by posting a link to one of these little articles on your social media, or by emailing the link to friends who might find it beneficial. Thanks again for your time.

Questions for thought and discussion (feel free to leave comments):

1. Does your church's youth group get bigger right before and after summer camp and then dwindle again by August? Do people blame the youth pastor for that? How might that pattern change if parents were leading their children in the home?

2. Does your pastor ever specifically address children and teens during the sermon? Should he?

3. Do you think we will be separated by age groups in heaven? Why or why not?

Family Discipleship Minute 4: Tell Me What You Want

 Last week I touched on the idea of what you want for your kids; what goals do you have for them? Today's post will delve a little more deeply into that. When your children were born, did you give any thought to the kind of adults they would grow to be? When you picture your kids at different stages in life, are there certain qualities or traits you hope they will possess? What is it that you are seeking when you discipline your children or when you endeavor to instruct them in some realm? In your mind, what will your child be like at the age of 24 in order for you to consider him/her a success? In your mind, what will your child be like at the age of 24 in order for you to consider yourself a success as a parent?

Why am I asking you so many questions about how you want your progeny to turn out? Well, there is an old saying, "if you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time." In other words, if you do not have an objective, or target, which you are working to achieve, you cannot possibly end up with a specific result. For example, suppose you want to make a pecan pie, you cannot simply go into the kitchen and start randomly doing tasks. You must first obtain a pecan pie recipe and then enact the steps listed in it.

Clearly, having no target to aim at is a bad way to go about life. Another bad way to go about life is to aim at the wrong target. Suppose your goal in life is to make a fortune. You spend your time and energy doing what it takes to amass wealth and suppose you succeed. Now suppose you come to the end of your life and Jesus says to you, "what does it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul?" You had a target, you hit your target, but in the light of eternity it was the wrong target. When it comes to bringing up our children, it is vital that we are not laboring without an end in mind and equally vital that we are laboring with the correct end in mind.

Perspectives on Family Ministry: Three Views (edited by Timothy Paul Jones) includes a story of a church staff that wanted to do a better job of discipling teenagers. The youth ministry surveyed the parents to find out what they wanted for their kids. The idea was that such information would help them know how to come alongside the parents and work towards the same spiritual goals. However, very few parents had any spiritual goals for their kids. The basic desires parents had was for their teens to make good grades so they could get into a good college so they could get a good job so they could be happy. Of course, these are worthwhile things to wish for your offspring. However, the Bible calls us to much higher purposes.

The first three posts in this series aimed to cheer-lead for you. The idea was to convince you that you can lead your family spiritually. This post is meant to challenge you. Do the goals you have for your child line up with what God wants for him/her? Is it your desire to see your child know Christ and have His character formed in his/her life? If not, why not?

Let's close with a suggestion. Read Matthew 6:33. Then, spend some time praying about what it would look like for your family to make that verse a priority. Next, talk that idea over with your spouse. Finally, discuss it as a family.

Questions:

1. What goals have you had for your children?

2. Do you need to re-evaluate any of those goals or make any new ones?

3. Does your family need to make any adjustments in order to make your (new) goals come about?

4. What do you do in your life that would qualify as seeking first God's kingdom? How can you build on that foundation?