Family Discipleship Minute 6: A Rant

 My plan for this post was to begin discussing the idea of laying a theological foundation for family and for church. That foundation then guides your behavior. That was my plan, but something triggered me last week and I’ve decided to get on my soap box for a minute. Next week’s post will (probably) start examining the basics of a theology of family. Until then, here’s my rant. . .

If you read job descriptions for children’s ministers and youth ministers, as well as the children’s and youth ministry sections of church websites, you will frequently see some version of this phrase, “our kids have fun and still learn about Jesus.” The verbiage is not always identical, but the sentiment almost always conveys the idea that the children (I’m using “children” to refer to school age kids, K-12) in their programs will have fun and simultaneously learn the Bible, learn about God, grow spiritually, and so forth. Now, I’m not anti-fun. I do not think it is wrong to have fun while doing some spiritual things. However, let me translate “our kids have fun and still learn about Jesus” for you.

The leaders of these programs are essentially saying that they realize young people are inundated with entertainment options. Young people have electronic devices, toys, games, bicycles, movies, skate parks, trampoline parks, amusement parks, swimming pools, concerts, bowling alleys, rage rooms, comedy clubs, party barges, sports cars, sporting events, etcetera ad nauseum, and those churches are scared to death that their programs will not be enticing to young people who have so many options at their disposal. Based on that fear, they include a host of gimmicks in their meetings including games, skits, competitions, prizes, free food, and so forth. The thinking is that they can compete with secular entertainment for the attention of young people. Then, when the students are hooked by how fun things at the church are, they can hit them with the truth of Scripture.

That methodology sounds logical and churches in the US have been practicing it, and perfecting it in many ways, for the past few decades. However, in my opinion, this method has several flaws. Flaw number one, it bows down to consumerism in the church. In this paradigm, children’s and youth ministries constantly have to reinvent themselves in an effort to “one up” the church down the street, or the kids will simply move along to wherever the most fun is. Therefore, young people learn that church is about going where they are most entertained which is light years from how we ought to view church.

Flaw number two, this model presents a false idea about what it means to follow Jesus. When children spend year after year in programs that are all about how fun and non-boring their classes and services are, they eventually receive the message that being a disciple of Christ is a self-serving endeavor. Eventually, individuals mature enough to realize that life is not all about having fun. In fact, they realize life is full of very real challenges which they have not been equipped to handle by the church, so they look for solutions elsewhere.

Flaw number three is that it is virtually impossible for 95% of churches to provide the kind of entertainment young people can find elsewhere. Sooner or later, the “fun” aspect of church wears off or gives way to institutions that are actually more fun, and as with flaw two, the person then leaves the church in search of something better.

Flaw number four, in a sense, this method of spiritual training is dishonest; it is a bait and switch. The leaders attempt to lure children to church with the promise of fun, food, free stuff, or other rewards, then eventually get around to the real reason they want kids there which is to expose them to Christianity. We are so accustomed to doing church this way, we don’t even realize the duplicity. I suggest you would not settle for this methodology in any of the other activities you put your kids in. Why should it be okay in the church?

Flaw number five, this is the paradigm that has brought us to where we are as the western evangelical church. We do not do a very good job of making disciples, but those statistics are for another post.

Flaw number six (there are probably other flaws here, but I’ll make this the bottom of my list), it is built upon the notion of an anemic god rather than the almighty God of Scripture. Think about what people adhering to this form of discipleship are really saying. They’re saying, “we know our god cannot compete with all the entertaining things you have access to, so we are going to put some spice in our services to make following him more palatable.” They are saying, “we know you’re not really mature enough to handle big spiritual truths, so we are going to simply entertain you for thirty minutes and then give you a few minutes of Jesus stories.” They are saying, “we know our god cannot really make a difference in what you’re facing in everyday life, so we are going to plan some things that will give you an endorphin rush. Then, we’ll throw in a little Bible study to spiritualize it all.” Is this really a healthy way to present the King of Kings and Lord of Lords? Is Jesus, in and of Himself, not enough? Can we not offer young people a relationship with their Creator and expect Him to be sufficient to capture their attention as He captures their hearts?

Please pay attention friends. I am NOT saying that there is no place for games, skits, object lessons, food, and fun in ministry. These things can be used to build fellowship, to teach lessons, and to meet legitimate physical needs. HOWEVER, when fun becomes a primary objective, consumerism is always the end result, and the ministry will likely fall into one or more of the flaws I’ve outlined. Fun and games do a good job of filling up classrooms, youth rooms, and even entire buildings, but they do a very poor job of making disciples.

What does this have to do with family discipleship? One, if your kids are only getting spiritual milk at church, they better be getting some meat at home. Two, you are responsible for protecting your kids spiritually. If they are growing up in a ministry that puts entertainment ahead of discipleship, you can get involved and help the ministry grow into what it ought to be.

Family Discipleship Minute 5: Can We Just Get On With It?

Welcome and thanks for stopping by. This post is number five in a series of blurbs aimed at helping you be the primary spiritual leader for your children. I've struggled with what to say at this point because I want to help anyone who reads this, but I want to help you see the big picture and not just help you with baby steps. However, baby steps are usually the way to start, so I've been conflicted on whether to write about a baby step or deal with a big picture item.

According to the Blogger statistics, about 7.18 people read this (or at least open it in your browser for a second) and I don't want to lose anyone for lack of practical ideas. The previous posts have attempted to lay some groundwork for this family discipleship stuff and much foundation is left to pour. Why? Because we need to let our theology drive our behavior rather than the other way around. However, some of you may be ready for practical idea, so I will include one pragmatic baby step at the end of this post, but first I want to ask you a favor.

I need to get this message out. If that sounds arrogant to you, please remember that it is not my message. I am simply echoing the voices of people like Voddie Baucham Jr., Mark Holmen, Ron Hunter Jr., Timothy Paul Jones, Rob Rienow, and others. Even Wayne Rice, who was a youth ministry guru during what might have been the most explosive season of growth for student ministry, eventually led a ministry to aid discipleship in the home and now has a ministry equipping grandparents to be involved in discipleship. This is not my message, but the more I read, the more I observe, the more strongly I believe the idea of parents teaching their children to follow Christ must be proclaimed and practiced. The favor I'm asking is, will you help me spread this concept? How? Simply share the link to one of these family discipleship minutes on your social media or in your own blog. If you are really bold, you could email the link to one of these posts to friends who might find it useful.

The next post will return to laying some foundational ideas from Scripture. For now, I'll give you a baby step that you can take. Go to church as a family. You may think you already do that, but if you all go different directions when you walk in the door, are you really going as a family? At this point, I am not suggesting the whole family go to the same Sunday school class. However, when you go to the worship service, go together. Your kids need to see you worship. Yes, it is difficult to wrangle young children. Yes, teenagers want to sit with their friends or the youth group. Don't worry about all that. Be in worship together.

If you have really little ones and you just cannot handle them in worship, utilize the nursery. But as soon as possible, get your children in the service with you. Children are likely to stand and sing with you, especially if you encourage them and model it for them. Also, you can do several things to help them stay still during the message. Bring them a snack, have something for them to color or read, let them take turns sitting on mom's lap and then dad's, etc. When they are old enough, which is probably younger than you think, have them take notes on the sermon (and help them.) Talk to them during the week about the importance of worship and the importance of behaving appropriately during the meeting. Reward them for good behavior in church and punish them for inappropriate behavior. Finally, realize that kids absorb more than you think they do even if they are fidgetting or seem to be doing something else.

If your teenagers don't think it is cool to sit with mom and dad, tough stuff cream puff. You are the parent. I'm not saying you have to be a dictator. Talk to them during the week about the importance of worshipping God as a family. Negotiate with them if you need to, but they need to be in church with you.

Okay, there's your baby step. If you are already doing that, kudos to you! Future posts will have other practical steps you can take. Please help me spread this message by posting a link to one of these little articles on your social media, or by emailing the link to friends who might find it beneficial. Thanks again for your time.

Questions for thought and discussion (feel free to leave comments):

1. Does your church's youth group get bigger right before and after summer camp and then dwindle again by August? Do people blame the youth pastor for that? How might that pattern change if parents were leading their children in the home?

2. Does your pastor ever specifically address children and teens during the sermon? Should he?

3. Do you think we will be separated by age groups in heaven? Why or why not?

Family Discipleship Minute 4: Tell Me What You Want

 Last week I touched on the idea of what you want for your kids; what goals do you have for them? Today's post will delve a little more deeply into that. When your children were born, did you give any thought to the kind of adults they would grow to be? When you picture your kids at different stages in life, are there certain qualities or traits you hope they will possess? What is it that you are seeking when you discipline your children or when you endeavor to instruct them in some realm? In your mind, what will your child be like at the age of 24 in order for you to consider him/her a success? In your mind, what will your child be like at the age of 24 in order for you to consider yourself a success as a parent?

Why am I asking you so many questions about how you want your progeny to turn out? Well, there is an old saying, "if you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time." In other words, if you do not have an objective, or target, which you are working to achieve, you cannot possibly end up with a specific result. For example, suppose you want to make a pecan pie, you cannot simply go into the kitchen and start randomly doing tasks. You must first obtain a pecan pie recipe and then enact the steps listed in it.

Clearly, having no target to aim at is a bad way to go about life. Another bad way to go about life is to aim at the wrong target. Suppose your goal in life is to make a fortune. You spend your time and energy doing what it takes to amass wealth and suppose you succeed. Now suppose you come to the end of your life and Jesus says to you, "what does it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul?" You had a target, you hit your target, but in the light of eternity it was the wrong target. When it comes to bringing up our children, it is vital that we are not laboring without an end in mind and equally vital that we are laboring with the correct end in mind.

Perspectives on Family Ministry: Three Views (edited by Timothy Paul Jones) includes a story of a church staff that wanted to do a better job of discipling teenagers. The youth ministry surveyed the parents to find out what they wanted for their kids. The idea was that such information would help them know how to come alongside the parents and work towards the same spiritual goals. However, very few parents had any spiritual goals for their kids. The basic desires parents had was for their teens to make good grades so they could get into a good college so they could get a good job so they could be happy. Of course, these are worthwhile things to wish for your offspring. However, the Bible calls us to much higher purposes.

The first three posts in this series aimed to cheer-lead for you. The idea was to convince you that you can lead your family spiritually. This post is meant to challenge you. Do the goals you have for your child line up with what God wants for him/her? Is it your desire to see your child know Christ and have His character formed in his/her life? If not, why not?

Let's close with a suggestion. Read Matthew 6:33. Then, spend some time praying about what it would look like for your family to make that verse a priority. Next, talk that idea over with your spouse. Finally, discuss it as a family.

Questions:

1. What goals have you had for your children?

2. Do you need to re-evaluate any of those goals or make any new ones?

3. Does your family need to make any adjustments in order to make your (new) goals come about?

4. What do you do in your life that would qualify as seeking first God's kingdom? How can you build on that foundation?

Family Discipleship Minute 3: What's All This Then?

The last couple of posts aimed to convince you that you really can take responsibility for your children's spiritual development. Hopefully, you have at least become motivated to take a closer look at family discipleship. With that hope in mind, it is time to share some foundational thoughts on this topic.

If you live your life like most folks in middle America these days, you send your kids to school for professional educators to teach them reading, writing, and 'rithmetic, along with physical education, art, music, science, and history. You probably also send them to someone else to teach them to play sports, dance, play the piano, etc. Further, you probably take them to church and expect Sunday school teachers, AWANA leaders, children's ministers, youth ministers, pastors, and so forth to teach your kids about God, impart biblical knowledge to them, and instill biblical values within them. We have really become a culture where parents, in a variety of ways, "farm out" the training of their children to other people.

Families today hand over the education of their children to others for a variety of reasons. Possible explanations for this may include time constraints, a feeling that others can do a better job of teaching a specific subject than we can, a mindset that we are not successful as parents unless our children turn out a certain way, and no telling how many others. However, even if there are good reasons to allow others to educate our children, is that always the best idea? More importantly, is it the biblical idea?

 

As Christians, our desires should not be what is best from a societal perspective, but what is right from a spiritual perspective. For example, society says a person is successful if he makes a lot of money; whereas God says someone is successful if she loves Him and loves her neighbor. Further, just because someone is better at something than we are does not automatically mean we should allow them to do it for us. How can a person ever grow at something if he continuously turns that task over to another? When it comes to children, the Bible puts the responsibility (and privilege) for their spiritual development squarely on the shoulders of parents. This does not mean that parents should not seek and utilize the help of others. However, it does mean that parents must always take the lead role in discipling their children, regardless of whether or not they feel equipped to do so.

This principle, that parents should lead their children spiritually, shows up in direct and indirect ways in the Bible. The story of Adam and Eve serves as an indirect example. Genesis 4:3-4 relate that Cain and Able both brought offerings to the Lord. Why did they do that? The only plausible explanation is that Adam and Eve taught them to worship God.

Direct teaching of this principle shows up in Deuteronomy 6 and Ephesians 6, among other places. Deuteronomy 6 is a chapter of great importance to Jews and should be to Christians as well. The chapter records Moses’s instruction to the Israelites regarding how to dwell in the promised land as God’s covenant people. They needed to love God, to internalize His commands, and to “impress them on your children.” The idea that parents should nurture their children’s relationships with God is a crucial theme in this chapter. Further, the use of masculine pronouns in the Hebrew text indicates that this responsibility falls directly to the fathers. This does not mean that mothers do not do this too or that it is wrong for mothers to shoulder this job when the father neglects it.

This principle is not one simply for the Old Testament. It is for all of God’s covenant people as Ephesians 6 demonstrates. Verse 4 of this chapter is a direct command exhorting fathers to “bring [your children] up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” This does not exclude allowing your children to sit under the authority of biblically qualified elders and teachers. However, it certainly indicates that the parent must do more than merely expose kids to other’s leadership. 

Give Deuteronomy 6 a careful reading. In my opinion, it is really difficult to walk away from this text without realizing how seriously God expects His people to take their relationship with Him and how throroughly devoted parents should be to the spiritual coaching of their offspring. I hope that after reading the chapter you will be excited to begin the process of serving God as a family. But, even if you are not, make it a matter of prayer and remember last week's admonition that you will not be doing this alone.

Some questions to ponder or comment on:

What do you feel comfortable teaching your children rather than sending them to someone else to learn?
What are your immediate goals for your child?
What kind of adult do you want him/her to be?
Are you feeling excitement or fear about family discipleship? 

Family Discipleship Minute (2)

 The theme of this series is that you, Christian parent, are responsible to be the primary spiritual trainer of your children, and you should not relinquish this responsibility to anyone else. The purpose of this specific post is to continue last week's encouragement; you CAN do this. Last week's ideas were very logistical and practical. Today, the focus is more on spiritual reality that will, hopefully, inspire you to embrace this role and begin your family discipleship journey.

Last week's article proposed that lack of time, lack of knowledge, and lack of skill are three common obstacles causing parents to shy away from bringing spiritual formation into the home. The post argued that these obstacles can be overcome with some practical ideas, and today will expand on that to say that you can count on God to empower you to accomplish this.

You may have heard people say that God will not put anything on you that you cannot handle. I think that notion stems from a bad understanding of 1 Corinthians 10:13 which says, "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." Clearly, this verse says that God will not allow you to face a temptation that you are not capable of resisting. Somehow, people have jumped from that truth to the idea that God will not give you assignments you cannot handle. The Christian life simply does not work that way. God gives us assignments we cannot handle to force us to rely on Him, and so that His power will be on display for us, and others, to see.

Think about the Israelites and their assignment to conquer the promised land. In Numbers 13 and 14 the people had to decide whether to obey God and enter the land or disobey. They chose to disobey because they did not believe they could handle the assignment. Forty years later, the next generation of Israelites faced the same decision. They entered the land and engaged the seemingly impenetrable city of Jericho. Joshua 6 describes the victory which was obviously accomplished through God's power and not that of the Israelites. This illustrates the principle above, God gives you assignments you cannot do so that He can accomplish it through you.

So it is, Mom and Dad. God is asking you to do a job that is daunting and harder than you can do by yourself. The beauty of it is that you do not have to do it by yourself. He, by the power of His Spirit, will equip you to train your children the way He wants you to. What you have to do, like the Israelites, is take that first step of obedience. Get started training your children and count on God to empower you to do what you think you cannot.

Some questions to think about. Feel free to discuss in the comments:

What obstacles do you face to discipling your kids?
What goals do you have for your children?
What accomplishments have you had in your life that were clearly due to the power of God?